oh dear I feel like I haven’t been here in forever. If I get myself into a mood I usually stay away from tumblr because a “mood” usually means I’m an emotional wreck &all of the things on tumblr just make me sad. Actually, anything makes me sad& I usually just craft the time away& hope el mood goes away.
Got to see husband last weekend. It was delightful. As much as I absolutely adore getting to see him, leaving is the worst thing. It puts me in a funk for days upon returning home. I know it won’t get easier but I keep waiting for me to get better at it. So far, no such luck. I keep trying to remind myself that I am extraordinarily lucky to even GET to see him every 2.5 months (so far anyway) when some of you out there have loved ones in other countries or on ships or somewhere you don’t even know. But, despite knowing I’m fortunate, it still feels like a tragedy.
Whenever I want to have a moment to complain or vent (&they’re few& far between, actually) I’m worried I’m going to get one of these responses:
- well at least you GET to see him& talk to him
- you knew what you were getting yourself into, you signed up for this.
- it’ll be over before you know it!
..so I try not to. Plus it makes people who don’t understand this situation feel awkward. &then I feel bad. &then I feel weak for even wanting to have a break-down in the first place.
Here’s how I feel: Just because something is true &just because “life isn’t fair” doesn’t mean I can’t dislike it. It doesn’t mean that these “truths” don’t bum me out. Just because crying or complaining doesn’t get me anywhere doesn’t mean I can’t do it every once in a while.
Anyway, I’ll maybe write more about my inner conflicts later, when I’m not at work. Maybe not.
